Ability
Ability – n., pl. 1. The quality of being able to do something; the fact of having the requisite means, skill, strength, mental capacity or legal power.
2.
A natural or acquired skill or talent.
I already know our good friend Beefkins has informed you all of the jovialities which occur after a hard night of banter at the Booth. One night we decided to inflict our capadery on the rather unsuspecting Horny, innocent resident of nearby Tarves. Well, we gathered the usual construction equipment and were nearing his house when the first carload, ie Cheesey, Feesh and others spotted a rather useful looking sign outside a hotel in Tarves.
“Thai Food” it read. Hmm…
The capade was done, for some reason the sign not used.
Not so very long later another night was finished at the Booth and after much hard bantering on the subject, it was ascertained that the next target would be Jonny B. So off we went to Auchnagatt, unfortunately as we were negotiating our way through the endless plethora of fields, we realised that we did not actually have a fucking clue where we were going. So, we phoned good old J-T and he was only too happy to help. We picked him up and returned full pelt courtesy of our local ability endorsement, Cheesey.
We arrived with a couple of cones and arranged them in a pretty pattern in his drive then munked away at high speed, avoiding the potholes in this strip of shite they call a road leading away from B Goode’s house.
It was when the boot was opened to disperse the cones that we realised that the infamous sign which had been picked up so many weeks ago was STILL THERE! Well well…what could this be used for we thought. This brings me to the “rally track”. An amazing discovery by J-T many moons ago it is now regularly used by myself (Yann), Snail, Cheesey and the rest of the ability crew. It is also used by others, like Feesh. If only he wouldn’t be such a little arse sometimes, he’d probably be in the crew. If you want to know more, ask to see Cheesey’s leg. So Snail picked up a permanent marker from his brother’s golf bag and we proceeded to the Auchnagatt end of the track and positioned the sign in a nice visible spot. The time trial was born. So far, Snail, Cheesey and Feesh have done their bit, Snail winning, Cheesey in a close second and Feesh in a….hmm…not close at all third. This is probably a good time to explain why. Ability.
Ability runs deep. Deeper than any emotion. Have you ever thought you loved someone? That’s what it feels like every time we think of our ability. Our official ability endorsement Cheesey is the person responsible for the term, any beef and you can take it up with him. Ability is a culmination of driving style, quality of driving and the talent to provide a safe, yet entertaining ride. I am confident that we can all provide this. Cheesey invented the term, his ability is clear. Snail, another prime example through his impeccable cornering has showed his ability on many occasions. Myself, my ability was demonstrated to Cheesey just the other night when my severely weighed down car was outrunning the go-kart of Feesh round the Auchmacoy road. Before this he was simply going on the word of Snail, but after taking the second corner, the phrase “aye ability!” was heard from the passenger seat. I was now complete…my ability had been recognised officially. You want ability? You prove yourself to the big cheese.
Neds…they’re not all bad. Most of them are though, especially Chappy. After Hazel’s party, aforementioned in a separate blog by Beefkins, after being dropped off I was fortunate enough after to run into none other than Ian McIntyre, closely followed by Ross Robertson’s youngest sister and Mark Batty. Luckily due to my history with this person he didn’t “schmack” me straight away but instead inquired about the other night’s antics when Cheesey proverbially raped Chappy’s piece of shite 5 or 6 times. This greatly displeased the neds, who take great pleasure from chasing people in their cars and then schmacking them. Eventually we got on to the subject of another incident. This time it was the subject of Snail. Now, neds know ability exists. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it seems to be a rare trait among the neds that we have met so far. The incident that we were referring to involved Mr Batty indirectly. Snail had just dropped off Coonan and we were heading back to Riverside Road when we passed none other than Chappy and “Mitsu”. They seemed to think this was a good time to chase Snail so we stepped on it. Now, Mitsu drives a nice lowered Clio 1.4 RT with Lexus lights. It looks very nice but is still the exact same engine spec as my car. And Snail’s is faster. So, we started to nail away, keeping relatively close to the limits when we see a black Clio powering up behind us. Snail stepped on it and accelerated to about 50 and the Clio attempted to overtake. Snail quickly turned into the Craighall estate with a dazzling display of cornering. Now Batty noticed this as they were now left in the dust. In our conversation about this, I believe his exact words were “aye, I’ve never seen anyone tak a corner sae fast min”. Well, well…a ned acknowledging ability of a clean. I was shocked to say the least. The conversation moved on the McIntyre’s job after this and I felt safe after that. Unfortunately this all came with a warning and that was that we should all keep away from the neds from now on and that if we even looked at one of them we would all be killed. Hmmm…so when driving past the Mace, be sure to look at the New Inn ok?
Ability has been proved to cleans and neds alike. The only ones left to realise now are the adults…we’ll manage.
